when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
