I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
