Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
