I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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