Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
