i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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