Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
