i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
