tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
