I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
