then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
