So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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