just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
