On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
