Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
