I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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