I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
