I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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