I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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