Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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