five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
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i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
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I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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