I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
