he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
