batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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