just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
