Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Just invented taco cereal.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
