In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
