my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
