Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
