the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
