I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
