chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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