So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
just tell him i said nine months
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
