Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
