OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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