zippers are such a cool invention
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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