Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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