My boss' voice literally gives me gas
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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