So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
