ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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