I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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