there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
