I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
