So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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