Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
