it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
