Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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