and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
