woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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