Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
