none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
