Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
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