Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
