dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
