"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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