btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
